My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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