I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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