explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
