I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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