My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
