She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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