After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
