batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
