quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'd cum for enchiladas.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
