I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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