i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
