I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
