Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
