Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
