Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
