Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
