I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
