its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
