if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
