She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
