sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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