You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
