Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
