Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
