the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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