I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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