and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
