I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
