sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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