Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
