I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
