So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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