Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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