My liver just broke up with me...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's just like the Real World with babies
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
