youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
