True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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