I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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