She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
