with your own penis?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
