I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
