I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
