suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I intend to get homeless drunk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
