I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
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That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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