My liver just broke up with me...
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
