Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
