I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
