he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
