i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
