He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
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just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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