Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
