Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
