I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
