I think I died a long time ago.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
