They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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