I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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