My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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