sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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