the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
