apparently the secret to your success is patron
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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